The Journey of a Thousand Miles begins with a Single Step

So it's been a few days since my first entry, and I still haven't a clue of how to set forth on this journey that I committed myself to. I've borrowed some random religious texts, and have yet to actually open them. As a full time law student, my job has been to read long ass books, suck in their information and spit them back out. I retain a lot more than I thought I could, but still not nearly enough. The idea of reading some more large texts on my few weeks of freedom, is becoming more and more daunting, like homework you put off until Sunday night. To top it off, we are talking about thousand year old texts that have defined the lives of so many. They are so intimidating. I haven't a clue about how to go about reading anything of such esteem and actually processing the information or retaining it for my own benefit. I don't want to take a step back, but I'm frightened to take a step forward.

Life for me thus far has been nothing short of amazing, and a bed of roses compared to most people I know. I have spent my entire life in Ellicott City, MD with the exception of living about 30 minutes away for school. For those of you not familiar with the area, it was recently named the second best place to live by Money magazine, and is located in one of the wealthiest counties in our country. Where I went to high school, it was not a question of going to college, but where you were going to college. I spent a lot of my time in high school and middle school being depressed because I didn't "fit in". It wasn't until I got to college that I realized just how amazing I had it. I was shocked that people actually paid their own way, and didn't have great parents like mine to support them. My college education and experience has been the possibly the greatest gift I have ever received. It has shaped me into the person I am, someone who wants to go back in time and slap the emo right out of my younger self. It still insane for me to think about. How every night I have somewhere to sleep, food to eat, way more clothes than I need, and an amazing support system to turn to; all the while you can walk down the street from my house in Baltimore, and find tons of homeless people who have none of that. It baffles me to think, of what I possibly could have done to have it so good, while people with more drive and more intelligence are sleeping on the streets.

The sad part of growing up, where I grew up, is that we are taught to believe that the homeless got themselves there. That they were lazy. That they gave into drugs, etc. etc. We all know that's far from the truth. If we all trace it back, to how we got where we got, for the most part it is a matter of your birth rite. Being born where and to who you were born to. After all, how can you pull yourself up from the boot straps, if you haven't got access to the shoe store. This single concept in itself, has always been proof to me, that there is definitely something out there, bigger than ourselves.

In Hinduism, what you have in your present life is determined but what you did in your past life. To me, this has always made sense. But I've always wondered, how other people see it? How does one explain the great disparity in circumstances of being born to one mother as opposed to another? This is what I'd like to answer with my first step. I've spent countless hours studying, analyzing, and arguing things such as institutionalized racism and capitalism, which can explain the disparity in our country on it's surface. This disparity in our socioeconomics is what brought me to law school, and has pushed me to a career in which I pray I might be able to make a tiny, minuscule morsel of a difference in the gap between the rich and poor. Now I want to find out what's behind why we are born into what we are. If you have any other perspectives, or would like to tell me what you believe, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't hesitate to do so. Comments are always welcome (just be nice :))!

Facing my fears

There's a person inside of me that's been dying to come out. She speaks and I shut her up. She knows what's best for me, but I never want to listen to her. I've always known she was right. She is, after all, the person I would like to be. She takes responsibility for her actions and acknowledges the lessons in their consequences. We all have these people inside of us. Call them our conscience, our Jimney Crickets, whoever they are, they point us in the right direction. In Hinduism, it's called Atman. The universal soul. Essentially, the piece of God that is in everyone.

Today is the day I let that person speak and guide me through life. I know I've said this a million times, but lately that person has been kicking and screaming. I don't know if this is some sort of premature quarter life crisis or it is time to finally face the fact that I am an adult now, and I am no one's responsibility, but my own.

Last night, I was robbed, and I am taking responsibility because I let myself get so intoxicated that I blacked out and thought it was a cool idea to walk home alone. I let the person inside of me speak, every now and again, but my friend alcohol loves to shut her up completely. It's time to shut alcohol up now. I am going off it cold turkey because I have tried everything else, and it appears to be an all or nothing for me and right now and I am choosing nothing. It's going to take a lot of strength, but I can't keep falling short of the person I want to be. I couldn't have asked for better communication with God than the signs I've been given in the last few weeks and this time I will learn my lesson. I know better than to drink to the point of no control, but I did it anyway, and I got robbed. I knew I should not have gotten into a relationship, when I did not feel complete as a person, and now my heart is smashed. It's time to complete this person, and this is how and why I am starting off on this journey...

For the longest time, religion has scared the hell out of me (no pun intended). If I had to pick a team, I would tell you I'm Hindu. After all, aside from being the religion of my mother, it encompasses core beliefs of the universal soul, reincarnation, and karma. But I have always believed, that God made us individuals for a reason. That we have our own paths to the same the truth. To me, organized religion takes away from that path. It tells you how to pray, what to believe, what's right and wrong. The truth of the matter is, we all know what's right and what's wrong deep down in ourselves, and there is no need for some man made institution like a church or temple to tell us that.

I am taking this step toward spirituality because I am tired of running scared. It will take a ton of time, strength and courage, that I'm not even sure I have. I have a few weeks before school starts back up and I have to become a law school zombie again. In these weeks, I want to see what all the fuss is about. I want to read the texts of other religions, the Torah, the Bible, the Koran. I have created this blog to share what I will learn and hopefully as a way of holding myself accountable. To explore why the concept of God just won't go away, and why faith in God is the only thing to really get your through the pain. To define MY faith, my path to God. I have learned that nothing is more embarrassing than publicly showing off that I cannot finish what I've started and falling short of the person I am meant to be. I hope this blog will commit me to this journey. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? I will leave you with a quote that I see everywhere, and you've probably seen a million times yourself. It's super cliche, but so right at the same time:

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it." - Anon.