Counting My Blessings

Yes it's sad, but true. Once again, I committed to something I couldn't uphold. Since my last entry, I started drinking again, felt sorry for myself, gave into sadness, and as a result slowed my healing progress. Well if at first you don't succeed, try again. So instead of feeling sorry for myself, for whatever stupid reason, I took a minute to count my blessings. Don't forget: pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. Here they are:

- My mom who will never give up on me and endured so much pain to give me and brother the life we have and the ability to do what makes us happy. Whenever I want something, she stops at nothing to get me it.

- My brother, who always can make me laugh, offer me advice and the fact that we always turn to each other when the chips are down and always stand up for each other

- My dog. I was never alone after school, I had my trooper, Penny who was supposed to be dead months ago, but still holding strong. It is such a blessing to have a dog living at 15. She doesn’t look like she’s slowing down

- My dad. He may not be the best, but he is a dad, and not many people have one and he is always there when I really need him. He is one of the solid examples I have that people can change. Maybe not completely, but what he has done with his spirituality and faith is very admirable. Maybe one day, he’ll actually let me in.

- My roommate. I’m so lucky to have someone so similar to me, who I can talk to about my emotions and cry in front of and she doesn’t think I’m being crazy. We are definitely sisters and I see it more and more each day.

- My Best friends. Nina always remains calm and sees the bigger picture. Becky is so loving and affectionate, and able to look at the glass half full. Monica can always make me laugh and help me relax, no matter what I go through. Katie is always there for emotional support. She has taught me how to love unconditionally and the importance of forgiveness for a relationship to grow.

- My friends. How boring and awful would law school be without them? It’s so sad to see people using each other to get ahead. I’m so lucky to have found friends who are willing to help each other out. Not just in law school, but in all other aspects of life, all of my friends have taught me so much and brought me so much joy.

- My sorority sisters- even though I’ve distanced myself, whenever we hang out, it’s like no time has elapsed.

- My education. Although I’ve prided myself on being a mediocre student, this is not something to be taken for granted. I know so much, and that alone can help make the world a better place when I start to share it.

- My health. How fortunate is it to be able bodied, to have every body part, every sense? It’s something I definitely take for granted all the time. I need to start treating my body better, it’s not going to be like this forever.

- A roof over my head. Two really. Living in Baltimore, I see how rare that is.

- Comfort and financial support. It is unbelievable how supportive my parents are. So many of my classmates are struggling with loans, and I have the ability to just get through it debt free. As well as my car, cell phone, and other things I take for granted

- Music. Its intense healing power always makes me feel better. I can sing my way to happiness any day.

- My Activism. It is the basis of my career. I am a fighter, who is not satisfied with the status quo. It is so important to believe in change and equality. Where would America or any country really, be without it. It is undoubtedly my reason for living.

- My creativity. I always find some way to incorporate art into my life, even if it’s not the center of it. It’s always my escape right when I need it.

- My moral conscience. I treat other people the way I want to be treated. I don’t put my needs first and hurt others in the process. It’s important to know that life is not about you. You actions have consequences and hurting others as a result is never ok. When I do, I always own up to them. They say the key to being happy is taking responsibility for your actions, and I am definitely becoming more and more aware of that each day.

- My razor sharp intuition. I just need to start following it more and start being less concerned with what other people are doing.

- \\My mistakes. Without which I would not be who I am today. They have all been life lessons. You can always know that something is not right for you, but when you actually see it, I mean really see it. You know you’ll never make that mistake again.

- Hope. There are always hopes and dreams. Just because they don’t come true, doesn’t make the thought that things can better any less powerful. There’s always hope, it just needs to be followed by a strong commitment to change. Try, try, try again.

- Courage. Being able to stand up for myself and what I believe in, regardless of anyone or anything else that disagrees.

- Sacrifice. The ability to give up something in the present for a better future. I wouldn’t have all these blessings if my parents did not sacrifice what they did to get where they are now.

- My God. My faith. Without which I would be nothing. I don’t care if there was actual proof that God did not exist. You can’t shake my beliefs. You are all I need, and the source of calm in my soul, when everything around me falls apart. I am nothing without you my lord. All these blessings are a result of your grace, and I don’t doubt for a second that everything happens for a reason. When times get tough, you push me to persevere, even when I don’t want to. Even when I question you, at the end of the day you are the only answer I need.

The Journey of a Thousand Miles begins with a Single Step

So it's been a few days since my first entry, and I still haven't a clue of how to set forth on this journey that I committed myself to. I've borrowed some random religious texts, and have yet to actually open them. As a full time law student, my job has been to read long ass books, suck in their information and spit them back out. I retain a lot more than I thought I could, but still not nearly enough. The idea of reading some more large texts on my few weeks of freedom, is becoming more and more daunting, like homework you put off until Sunday night. To top it off, we are talking about thousand year old texts that have defined the lives of so many. They are so intimidating. I haven't a clue about how to go about reading anything of such esteem and actually processing the information or retaining it for my own benefit. I don't want to take a step back, but I'm frightened to take a step forward.

Life for me thus far has been nothing short of amazing, and a bed of roses compared to most people I know. I have spent my entire life in Ellicott City, MD with the exception of living about 30 minutes away for school. For those of you not familiar with the area, it was recently named the second best place to live by Money magazine, and is located in one of the wealthiest counties in our country. Where I went to high school, it was not a question of going to college, but where you were going to college. I spent a lot of my time in high school and middle school being depressed because I didn't "fit in". It wasn't until I got to college that I realized just how amazing I had it. I was shocked that people actually paid their own way, and didn't have great parents like mine to support them. My college education and experience has been the possibly the greatest gift I have ever received. It has shaped me into the person I am, someone who wants to go back in time and slap the emo right out of my younger self. It still insane for me to think about. How every night I have somewhere to sleep, food to eat, way more clothes than I need, and an amazing support system to turn to; all the while you can walk down the street from my house in Baltimore, and find tons of homeless people who have none of that. It baffles me to think, of what I possibly could have done to have it so good, while people with more drive and more intelligence are sleeping on the streets.

The sad part of growing up, where I grew up, is that we are taught to believe that the homeless got themselves there. That they were lazy. That they gave into drugs, etc. etc. We all know that's far from the truth. If we all trace it back, to how we got where we got, for the most part it is a matter of your birth rite. Being born where and to who you were born to. After all, how can you pull yourself up from the boot straps, if you haven't got access to the shoe store. This single concept in itself, has always been proof to me, that there is definitely something out there, bigger than ourselves.

In Hinduism, what you have in your present life is determined but what you did in your past life. To me, this has always made sense. But I've always wondered, how other people see it? How does one explain the great disparity in circumstances of being born to one mother as opposed to another? This is what I'd like to answer with my first step. I've spent countless hours studying, analyzing, and arguing things such as institutionalized racism and capitalism, which can explain the disparity in our country on it's surface. This disparity in our socioeconomics is what brought me to law school, and has pushed me to a career in which I pray I might be able to make a tiny, minuscule morsel of a difference in the gap between the rich and poor. Now I want to find out what's behind why we are born into what we are. If you have any other perspectives, or would like to tell me what you believe, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't hesitate to do so. Comments are always welcome (just be nice :))!

Facing my fears

There's a person inside of me that's been dying to come out. She speaks and I shut her up. She knows what's best for me, but I never want to listen to her. I've always known she was right. She is, after all, the person I would like to be. She takes responsibility for her actions and acknowledges the lessons in their consequences. We all have these people inside of us. Call them our conscience, our Jimney Crickets, whoever they are, they point us in the right direction. In Hinduism, it's called Atman. The universal soul. Essentially, the piece of God that is in everyone.

Today is the day I let that person speak and guide me through life. I know I've said this a million times, but lately that person has been kicking and screaming. I don't know if this is some sort of premature quarter life crisis or it is time to finally face the fact that I am an adult now, and I am no one's responsibility, but my own.

Last night, I was robbed, and I am taking responsibility because I let myself get so intoxicated that I blacked out and thought it was a cool idea to walk home alone. I let the person inside of me speak, every now and again, but my friend alcohol loves to shut her up completely. It's time to shut alcohol up now. I am going off it cold turkey because I have tried everything else, and it appears to be an all or nothing for me and right now and I am choosing nothing. It's going to take a lot of strength, but I can't keep falling short of the person I want to be. I couldn't have asked for better communication with God than the signs I've been given in the last few weeks and this time I will learn my lesson. I know better than to drink to the point of no control, but I did it anyway, and I got robbed. I knew I should not have gotten into a relationship, when I did not feel complete as a person, and now my heart is smashed. It's time to complete this person, and this is how and why I am starting off on this journey...

For the longest time, religion has scared the hell out of me (no pun intended). If I had to pick a team, I would tell you I'm Hindu. After all, aside from being the religion of my mother, it encompasses core beliefs of the universal soul, reincarnation, and karma. But I have always believed, that God made us individuals for a reason. That we have our own paths to the same the truth. To me, organized religion takes away from that path. It tells you how to pray, what to believe, what's right and wrong. The truth of the matter is, we all know what's right and what's wrong deep down in ourselves, and there is no need for some man made institution like a church or temple to tell us that.

I am taking this step toward spirituality because I am tired of running scared. It will take a ton of time, strength and courage, that I'm not even sure I have. I have a few weeks before school starts back up and I have to become a law school zombie again. In these weeks, I want to see what all the fuss is about. I want to read the texts of other religions, the Torah, the Bible, the Koran. I have created this blog to share what I will learn and hopefully as a way of holding myself accountable. To explore why the concept of God just won't go away, and why faith in God is the only thing to really get your through the pain. To define MY faith, my path to God. I have learned that nothing is more embarrassing than publicly showing off that I cannot finish what I've started and falling short of the person I am meant to be. I hope this blog will commit me to this journey. What doesn't kill you makes you stronger right? I will leave you with a quote that I see everywhere, and you've probably seen a million times yourself. It's super cliche, but so right at the same time:

"Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets. So love the people who treat you right, forget about the ones who don't, and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said that it'd be easy, they just promised it would be worth it." - Anon.